A House Divided

I’m angry, I’m hurt; I want to return the favor to the person that made me feel this way. I play the scenario out in my mind over and over again. Each time I imagine it, it becomes more gruesome and violent than the last. I want him gone, I want him dead. I want him to hurt, because he made me hurt. I hate this person, because he hates me.

The problem is I can’t touch this person. I can picture him, But he doesn’t have a physical body. The only person that can perceive this individual is myself. I’m the only one who can perceive him, because he is me. More specifically, he is an aspect of me. He’s who I refer to as my “dark self.”  In Jungian Psychology this is what would be referred to as a person’s “shadow”.

My dark self is kind of a dick to me. When he’s around, the world just kind of seems like it sucks. Everything seems a few shades darker, less vibrant. My dark self doesn’t get anything done. He just wants to sit around all day playing video games, and do nothing productive. He hates me. He thinks I’m ugly. He thinks I’m fat. He thinks I’m not good enough. Whenever he’s around he makes me feel like it’s all pointless. He laments, “What’s the point of doing anything, you’re just going to die in the end. Life will continue on with or without you, and you will be swallowed up by the vastness of time. Then the insignificance of your life will be truly apparent.”

This is the guy I have to live with from time to time. In my mind, that guy is not me. We are two separate beings. So what do I do? I kill him. Over and over again in my mind I kill him off. I kill the man who wears my face like a mask.  I picture him standing with a weak posture, looking insecure and frail. Then I picture who I identify as my true self; strong, confident, ferocious. I see it from this perspective. The carnage is indescribable; I rip and tear my dark self apart. I see myself angrily pulling this inferior being to shreds.

 I imagine it again and again, as I try to mentally sever any ties with the person I have decided is not me. But he doesn’t go away. I kill him again and again, but he’s still there. Standing in that weak posture, hiding in a corner of my mind. I can’t get rid of him. Then, suddenly everything changed. Out of the darkness, two words come screaming to the forefront of my mind, and refuse to be ignored, “Love him.”

In that moment I came to the sudden realization, the weak, inferior, dark being; is me. He is a part of me, just as much as my strong and confident self is a part of me. He has my face. When I see myself killing him, I see my own face being ripped apart. In that moment of blinding clarity I saw that I was only fueling the darkness. I was giving my negative aspect even more negativity to feed off of. I was loathing my self-loathing side, creating a negative feedback loop that would continue forever. I realized that the only way to get rid of this negative person, is to make him into a better person. I have to love and nurture him.

So my imagination shifted, I was no longer trying to kill him. This time I imagine walking over to him, I put my arm around him, and I say to him, “I love you brother, we have to be in this together. You will get better. You will enjoy your life. You are deserving of love. Even if no one else ever see’s or acknowledges you, I love you.”

I cannot put into words the immediate, extreme, mental shift that this causes. In an instant my mood shifts. I go from being dark and brooding, to being vibrant and hopeful. It seems borderline miraculous. It's as if 50lbs has just been removed from my shoulders. It will never cease to amaze me how much control the mind has over the body.

Now I won’t assume that everyone has a dark side, but I know I’m not the only one. As Abraham Lincoln once said, as he quoted Jesus Christ, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.”  If in your mind, in your house, one part of you hates another part of you, then your house is doomed to fall. To get rid of the dark side, you have to love it, nourish it, and allow your dark side to become healthy and whole. Then and only then, will you have a house that is sturdy, strong, and able to stand in even the most turbulent weather.